"Oh yeah, well we killed Darth Vader..."

Today there was a breaking story on Fox News.

A new sharper and deadlier barb has been added to the wire surrounding the Iranian war chest.

Allegedly Iran has been developing a new missle for underwater use. While reeling a video (released by the Iranians) for America to see, the news analyst went on to tell about the capability and threat that this missle poses to the United States.

The video showed a naval vessel that appears to be a destroyer of some sort launching a missle directly into the water. The missle then starts a "200 mile an hour" back stroke which the Iranians claim is the "fastest underwater weapon in the world." They concluded the 5 second clip...yes only 5 seconds...by quoting the Iranian media claim that the missle is capable of sinking "aircraft carriers and major war ships."

The news analysts were painting pictures of the doomsday and armagedon. Literally, they made it seem as if we needed to "duck and cover" because WW3 was impending within the hour. I actually think the background music on the telecast was that R.E.M song about feeling fine.

My first thought was, "Why the f&#k is that such a big deal? I'm pretty sure we know how to deal with a torpedo."

Next up I was itemizing the claims made by the Iranian media about the capabilities.

Let's break it down people.

1. Why would they claim to have a weapon that DIDN'T sink "aircraft carriers and major war ships"? I mean really...who makes a missle and says, "Hey look at this, it sinks catamarans and waverunners....you better watch your back."? Who says that? Of course they are going to say it blows shit up.

2. They claim it goes "200 miles per hour" and is the "fastest underwater weapon in the world." Again people, come on, who would spend 40 million dollars developing a weapon, create a film of the weapon, and then distribute that film and say, "Hey man, check out my new missle, it's not quite as fast as Flipper, but Nemo better watch his ass because we'll take that little bastard right out." Of course they are going to make you think that this weapon is unstoppable...would it be scary if it WAS stoppable?

3. They didn't blow anything up in the video. Ronald Reagan is laughing his dead ass off at the Iranians weak attempt at a Cold War era tactic. Let's be real people, until you show me a sinking aircraft carrier or a mushroom cloud, go back to your bathtub and keep playing with your toy missles. Of course they aren't going to let you see what happens to the missle in the end...because it probably just sank to the bottom of the ocean.

After running the same 5 second video about 15 times Fox News managed to get General Tommy Franks on to comment about this new weapon. I won't quote anything Franks said as it's probably a matter of national security, but let me say this to the Iranians...

"Dear Iran, The man who brought down Sadam Hussein just laughed at your new torpedo."

I hate this bullshit. I am not a proponent of war. However, I understand the need to answer when a threat is made.

My suggestion is this. If Iran insists on intimidating the U.S. with video of what is obviously just a torpedo, I suggest we send them a video right back.

A video of our new space station blowing up Mars.




If the Iranian government truly believes in the validity of "intimidation by video" let's send them a clean and clear message. Pack up a copy of Episode Four, label it "Top Secret: America's New Secret Weapon", send it directly to Al Jazeera, and let Iran's public proceed to shit itself.

After the initial airing on Al Jazeera the White House proceeds to call a press conference and issues this formal statement:

"Ladies and Gentlemen of the free world... The United States of America officially claims victory over Darth Vader and The Galactic Empire."

Game, set, match.

My guess is compliance would be a formality at that point. The Iranian government could not possibly deny that it is unable to compete with a Death Star, Star Destroyers, Rancor monsters, Ewoks, Yoda, Han Solo... and don't EVEN get me started dropping Mace Windu's name AKA Jules "MotherFuckin" Winnfield.So what's the point here? Is it that I am a horribly miseducated fan of Star Wars OR is it really that I'm not buying into video tapes and half ass new analysis?

P.S. One final note to the Iranian government: Luke Skywalker is an American, his light sabre is real...And he WILL cut you.