Matrimony's Eve

First it was more than a year. And then it was months and then weeks. Now it is days and it will soon be hours, minutes, seconds…

“It” is the moment that has been building momentum for quite some time. Yet it will simply be a moment no longer than the one before it or the one directly after. Although the simplicity and relevance of time will come and go in this moment, it is what happens in this moment that will define how I will live the rest of my life. “It” is the moment that I become a married man.

As that life defining moment continues to approach my family and friends continue to ask a question.

“Are you nervous?”

When the question first started to be asked of me I thought that it was slightly rude to ask. Would I be human if I wasn’t nervous? In turn I had chosen to give a “slightly rude” response.

“Why would I be nervous?”

Time has given me the opportunity to rethink my response. My family and friends had no intention of being rude. So the answer to the question has changed.

“Yes. I am nervous about the wedding.”

Of course there is anxiety about the wedding itself. There is a winding list of details that will continue to refine themselves until the very moment we put on our wedding rings. There is so much to account for…coordination, consolidation, consideration, planning, plotting, timing, seating, eating, dancing, laughing, and loving. Yet I find myself becoming more at ease with the day and evening of the wedding itself. With every passing hour it seems more welcoming and inviting. And instead of fretting over the details, I find comfort in the visions they have started to provide…visions of friends and family from near and far sharing in this moment.

“Yes. I am nervous about getting married.”

There is a lot to be said for the act of publicly proclaiming your love to one person. I know, as the groom, that I will put on a tuxedo and stand before my family and friends and swear my love, support, and soul to Rhiana. I’ve thought about the moment what feels like 1,000 times. I know that Rhiana, as the bride, will wear a dress and stand before her family and friends and swear her love, support, and soul to me. I have a feeling she has thought about the moment more than 1,000 times. We have expressed to each other the significance of the difference between “having a wedding” and “getting married.” That thought is something that we are very much together on and share similar feelings towards. We choose to define each of them separately although both events will occur simultaneously. It does not mean that we choose to share the wedding with our family and friends and not our marriage. In fact it means that we choose to share both our wedding and our marriage with these people.

“Yes. I am nervous about being a husband.”

While getting married and having a wedding are symbolic of becoming a husband I am nervous about the day after the wedding and all of the days after that. There are enormous responsibilities to live up to as a husband. And on the day of my wedding I will make a promise to live up to these tasks. There are responsibilities that require planning and follow through. There will be challenges that I will not or can not experience until they are already upon me. I will be committing to giving my love unconditionally for a lifetime. I choose to see through both desperate and prosperous times. I will have responsibilities that extend backwards into the world and life that I leave behind when I die. I am promising to live with another person and love that person through all that life brings to us. I choose to stand by this woman for the remainder of my life. No decision I make going forward will direct my life with Rhiana as much as the one I am about to decide and choose by simply stating, “I do.”

The days continue to dwindle into hours and hours to minutes and the moment for me to say “I do” will soon arrive.

Am I nervous about having a wedding, getting married, and becoming a husband? Yes, I am. Given the depth that those events signify, I’d be worried if I wasn’t.